What is it we want from love???
I ask this because I have seen it from all sides! I have seen the "happily" married, the long time relationship and the long term single but it all comes down to the same thing. The grass is always greener! The single want love and marriage, which you should know don't come hand in hand! The married want freedom to do whatever they want! So what is it? Is it forever compromising for another person or wanting something more but not too much? Is there no in-between? But of course there is not! To be in a relationship is to give up something because not one human is the same!! And to be alone or "independent" is to give up on a chance to share your life! So what is it we must do? Each scenario is to loose at least one thing??
So love must then be a choice! From each day until the next!
So when we are in the thick of a fight with the one we love we have to think... ...do we lose from ourselves does someone else? For to be either single or with someone is a choice to go either way!
 I wish I knew what way to go! But like I have said I have seen both sides and to me both look bleak! So what do we want from love? Now we know there is no Cinderella, no Prince Charming . What do we get from love, now we know the ways in which it cuts and makes us bleed. And yet we hope for love like a babe yet learning the ways in which we can hurt! It is the unsolvable test. The question without an answer and still I ask... ... What is it I want from love?

Moving. Running. Jumping.

Hi there.
Well that was a bit of a week alright. between moving ,goodbyes and returning home it has been a bit of a roller-coaster of emotions but in the end all worth it. It seems we as people can live in our lives unhappy and not change it due to fear or pressure we put on ourselves of opinions we shouldn't bother with. Its hard to push past this and make the choices that will make us happy. I recently have seen that it isn't just me. Friends are doing the same. Some are where I am now. In this happy place that we ourselves were holding ourselves back from. Why do we feel the need to do this? Feel the need to stay gritting our teeth and hurting our hearts when what we should be doing is letting go, moving on, being happy. And so this excerpt is not an outright example of this, there isn't an immediate happy ending but there is the possibility of it. In essence its exactly my point the world doesn't always suddenly change but you will get happier. It is better to take the plunge and be happy.

SO what will happen with Cat ?(yeah yeah i know not very original name but the pet names and there meaning little kitty etc. are too good for the story for me to change it. So sorry I'm just going to have to be a bit vain but this is all fiction I'm afraid.) Is this little piece of her history important? we will have to wait and see. As is, this is a work in progress. A book literally in the making so enjoy, share and comment please. But remember if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.:)

I packed up my bag with trembling hands and a heavy heart. I'd been with this family too long, had started to become a small part of it. I would not break her number one rule. Never get attached. It was a lesson learned a long time ago when my heart was pure and naive, it had hurt then when I got attached only to be let down or worse. Now I knew the signs so I could get out before it got too much. A knock on the door. "Hunny is everything alright" a sweet voice from out side. "Yeah everything is fine" I reply keeping the tension from my voice. Masking my feelings had become so easy to me I was called a robot in school. I lifted the floor board to retrieve my pocket money, given to me by the millers for silly things like make-up, cloths and junk food. what normal 13 year old girls buy, I wasn't normal. I saved nearly every penny apart from the knifes I would buy or the occasional pair of skinny jeans or tank tops. No shoes or purses. now I should of had a healthy stash of funds to make it on my own. There was a white envelope with my name on it and my hand froze over it. That was my name and it wasn't my hand writing. With an icy feeling in my heart I picked it up. No no no, this could not be happening I could not be found out. They had realised my plan and where going to force me to stay. It would only be as long as it took for me to come up with another plan but already the idea of being here any longer had my throat closing up and my skin feel like it would burst open. I was no ones prisoner, I would not be held against my will not again... As I lifted the envelope I realised it was heavy and bulky. In it lay a note wrapped around a huge wod of cash. the note read...

"I knew this day would come, I have seen it in your eyes since the day you came to us my sweet little kitten. You are as much ours to parent as a house cat is to a baby tiger. You needed only our help to survive this short time before you go out into the wild and live as you should. I hate to see you leave and to know it is what you need. But this world and it's monsters have brought to life the old soul in you. A soul that shines so bright and aged like the sun. My love, try to keep some of your youthful mischief there is plenty of time to become old like Mr Miller and me. Take this money and use it to have a better life then just making ends meet..."

"...always live like the gods we once where" the last line fell from my lips like a goodnight prayer,  I could here Mrs Miller's sweet as honey voice mingle with mine. I looked at the money and the letter for a long time. Finishing the packing and waiting till the house had been sleeping for the last hour I made my way out. Mama and Papa millers door was ajar as it always was of late. As Toby the baby miller had started to have bad dreams and would cry out at night. "there there my little one it was only a dream" I would her Mrs Miller croon in the middle of the night. I had no idea what made me walk toward the door but soon I was pushing it open gently. There she lay for face gently lit by the small glow flowing in the door. Her skin was golden kissed from playing and working in the sun. Her hair was the kind of silver blonde people would want to die there hair to hind there own ageing grey. Her face softly crinkled with laughter lines and her eyes if they were open would be a twinkling green like the wild cats she so loved. On silent feet at home with moving without the slightest of sound I made my way to her. leaning over I kissed her lightly on the cheek. Pulling away I felt a strange feeling come over me it felt oddly familiar and as I placed it I also felt the wetness on my cheek. Loss, I was feeling loss. "I'm sorry" I whispered. I couldn't think of anything else to say as I rushed to leave to run away from this feeling, the tears in my eyes and the ringing in my ears. "I love you too" it was as silent as a whisper floating by like in a dream, it must have been the ringing because no one was awake when I turned back to the room. As soon as I cleared the front porch I ran. Ran as fast as I could but the feeling didn't leave. even as I made my way to the train bound for Boston I could still hear the whisper in my ear, feel the tears on my cheek and the knot in my throat.

That was what had brought me on a journey that nearly killed me and thrown Frankie into my life. she stood across from me now at the sink making up a basin of hot water and salt for my wounds. she wore jeans and a black tank and it slid over her hour glass figure. she was build like me but shorter her shoulders closer together. Her brown hair was in a messy bun at the back of her head all messy curls and stray strands falling to her shoulders. she wore glasses at home but she didn't really need them any more, having gotten laser surgery years ago, they where a comfort thing she said of the now glassless frames. as she turned toward me what ever she was going to say caught in her throat as a unwanted familiar look came over her face. "your dreaming of the past again" "your giving me that look again" it was a conversation we had had since we met 12 years ago.

when we made are life long friendship in blood and death.

The introduction

Hi I'm Cat, I'm new to all of this so bare with me! Yep I'm 24 and am still way behind the times! As it says in my little description I like to write, books poems anything really and I'm hoping to send some feelers out and see what people think of my work! From extracts from my book, the process of writing a book and just everyday stories with a lot of exaggeration! If you like what you read I'm going to try a subscribe thingy and would love if you could share it! Yes I said thingy and I aspire to write books... We can all see where this is going.....
There will be lots of jokes both cheesy and maybe lame! As I said I'm new to this so be gentle with your constructive criticism and any advice is always welcome! As I start up yep there may be an influx of blogs but I will try my best not to bore you!
I'm gonna start with a little story about me! Note as stated earlier expect exaggeration!

Why now cat? What made you jump into the crazy land of blogs I hear you ask? Quite simply it's about time and my muse has inspired me! Oh and insomnia yep lots of insomnia! I work a bar job that I love and my sleep patterns are erratic at best! So as I tried to find something to calm my mind and answer the call of writing I decided why not give it ago! My muse is my wonderful niece hope who we lost in December and who though only in our lives but for a breath has changed all our lives! As a person who has loved to write since I was  a 12 year old girl learning to deal with dyslexia and still try write down all these stories in my head I have gone through writers block! A state of mind that causes your story to just stop at a mind blowing speed when it was flowing like a waterfall only just the day before! So I have learned not to push it to wait! Sometimes the gaps encompassing months! Yet nothing has ever turned back on that flowing waterfall as hope has done! I do not hold the answers of what our world is about by any means, but if souls can fly, can begin again or just flitter little bits of themselves on you! Then that is what she did! She is my muse, my beacon that says yeah you can do it! And so I am! One day I might get to walk past my book In a shop or see it on the screen of a kindle because let's face it we  must move with technology. But one day it may happen and I know I will always say where it began! It began with a little tiny heart and a massive piece of hope.
 So I hope this has told you a bit about me and what I wish to achieve with these blogs and what you can expect to see. And I will hopefully get more blog savvy.... Let's just wait and see ha! And now I leave you with some pomes for hope!


"Hope never fades
Hope never leaves.
Hope travels far
Through land and over seas.
True to her namesake she fills us in it from the sky.
And all the family feels
She is the apple in our eye."
To hope love aunty Cat

At times we feel great sorrow at times we feel anxious are hearts race! At times all are fears coming crashing into our minds and fill us with eminent doom! At times we feel joy so pure it hurts the heart our lives feeling whole for but a precious moment! All and yet none of these describe what it felt to hold our precious hope in my arms to see a bundle so perfect to think she could not be with us here, now an impossibility! And yet here I stand a hole in my heart and a brand new piece all at once!!! To say it best I may even quote! "It was the best of times it was the worst of times!" I don't say goodbye today but hello! Hello to hope be forever in my heart! Xxxx